Assimov’s Three Laws of Haring
- The hares will ensure that hounds can complete trail without dying or being arrested.
- The hares will ensure that hounds can enjoy following trail. Except when that would conflict with the 1st Law.
- The hares will avoid getting snared, except when that would conflict with either the 1st or 2nd Law.
The 1st Law means mark DDs, take the weather into account especially with tunnels and water crossings, get permission to cross private property, and let the local police department know ahead of the run where you’ll be throwing flour. They actively appreciate the head-who-said-heads-up.
The 2nd Law means mark the trail where it can be found. Every application of cleverness on the part of the hares in laying trail depends on an equal amount of cleverness on the part of the pack, and the odds just keep getting smaller the more times you’re clever. And really, this should never conflict with the 1st Law.
The 3rd Law is last, because getting snared is not a Big Deal™. Risk getting snared. It’s fun. It’s painless. And it’s sometimes necessary to obey the 2nd Law. Sure, you’ll do a down-down, but you were going to do that anyway, and snare down-downs are better than “stymied at a check for half an hour” down-downs. See also the Gimp Manifesto.
Other Hare Suggestions
Yeah, yeah, there are no rules, only guidelines. Anyway:
Keep the number of hares reasonable. Two per trail is reasonable. If you have a walker and runner trail, that means up to four hares, although three is probably sufficient.
Solicit walker hares from the walkers.
Be prepared to settle up with the On-Sec as soon as the trail is done. The On-Sec needs to also handle the bar bill, so finding out three days later that the hares forgot about an expense doesn’t work. Do the math! If you can present the On-Sec one number (instead of one per hare), even better.
When buying beer, check on gluten-free (e.g., cider) options. May not be as cheap as the slut beer, but comparable to the halfway decent stuff, especially at The Market on Wilmington Pike.
Dayton hash cash is $6, or $4 if the pack is on their own at the on-after. If you want to do something other than this, make it optional (e.g., +$5 if you want pizza) or clear it with Mismanagement first.
Varying from the usual start time is easier than varying from the usual hash cash, but please if you need to change the start time communicate your erections well in advance so wankers can get their fucks in a row.
If you need to change the date of a hash, don’t. If you really, really need to change the date of a hash, clear it with Mismanagement first. It’s probably better to just add a new hash with the new date than to move a hash to the new date. The Hareraiser can help scrape up a replacement hare if needed.
In addition to giving the local police notice of the trail area, use colored flour (less likely to be mistaken for anthrax, heroin, cocaine, or rat poison). Don’t use flour when marking on school grounds, church grounds, nursing homes, etc. – use chalk and/or toilet paper.
Alert the on-after venue to our impending arrival so they can staff appropriately and sequester us as needed. Get a name of someone the On-Sec can look for! Let them know that only the On-Sec will be ordering beers on the hash tab, and any other beer orders are on the individual wankers’ tabs.
Don’t die. Even if no DD is nearby.
Don’t get arrested.
Don’t dip into the circle beer before circle. When in doubt, ask a hare.
Don’t order beer on the hash tab. The On-Sec will order.
Don’t prelube in the parking lot of a place with a liquor license. The bars and restaurants that put up with us or even look forward to us value that license more than our business.
Get credit for your runs! That means two things: (1) Sign in! and (2) Pay the hash cash! Virgins and hares are exempt from paying hash cash. The On-Sec will usually sign the hares in for them, but I’d check my stats afterwards anyway. Because the stats page is awesome!
Cock-a-Noodle, DH3 GM